Off the Charts... (hospital charts, that is)

And you thought there's nothing funny going on in the legal and medical fields. NOT!

Some few posts ago I published LAWYERS which featured these really funny things people actually said in court. Well, this time I'm gonna share this really hilarious piece about things actually written in hospital charts (y'know that thing interns read when they wanna know how you ended up lying there, what drugs you're currently on and anything else they've put you through until they finally give you your hospital bills).

Here it is! Enjoy!


ACTUAL WRITINGS IN HOSPITAL CHARTS:
(reactions in parenthesis mine)

1. The patient refused autopsy. (A zombie patient?)

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. (and he wonders why he's still alive)
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. (he's so forgetful...leaving his white blood cells there)
4. Note: patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake. (but of course!)

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. (hell, she'd be dead after a year just lying there)

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. (and on the fourth day, the doctor got sued for malpractice)

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. (really, how did you know she's depressed?)

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. (wow, he must really be that bad)

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (nobody get's out of this hospital alive! bwahahaha!)

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. (healthy but decrepit...mentally alert but forgetful... sane but crazy)

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. (deeeelicious!)

12. She is numb from her toes down. (she must have phantom limbs)

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. (patient could be a playboy bunny)

14. The skin was moist and dry. (what is it, really?)

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. (constant but infrequent huh)

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. (what's that figure of speech again...antithesis? the use of two opposing words in one sentence?)

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (the patient must really be a short guy)

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. (that explains it)

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (oops...typo. Or was it really...)

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (he calls his willy big top)21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (he must really be bad in bed)

22. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (well, at least...)

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. (no wonder I'm abnormal ^-^)